Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I need better friends
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood