Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*