[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
You Might Also Like
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Just a friendly reminder!
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses