[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
#Caturday
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.