[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
favorite tropes as memes
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”