Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
You Might Also Like
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
thank god the sign was there
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”