Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.