[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.