*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You Might Also Like
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Love it! 👍😂
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.