May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news