CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
584.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.