CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.