Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick