HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant