[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”