@ThePocketJustin: The FBI's terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

@PaperWash: [First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered

@squirrel74wkgn: Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@jake_lach: When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.

@TrainedHedonist: Perverts have made it so you can't even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls' college diving team meets anymore.