[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Google Pay be like:
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.