[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up