[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes