Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes