Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My love language is hissing.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
And they lived apathetically ever after.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.