[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing