If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.