Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”