Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good