You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I know this now 😂
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’d love this…lol
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?