CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Cardio Made Easy
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!