CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
stop
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.