[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice