[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
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Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway