@Awk0Tacoo: Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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@chrisdowning: Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
@TheAlexNevil: *job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.
@SirEviscerate: GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy? ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won't move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE