@Awk0Tacoo: Cat: Human, congratulations, I've chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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@BlindChow: dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just– dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
@DadInUtah: Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said
@ProdigyNelson: Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now Son: Dad it's me Dad: *head turned 180°* who Son: very funny Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
@ProdigyNelson: [date] Me: *ok don't let her know I'm a bull* Her: "so what are some red flags for you?" Me: *sweating* "haha red flags? Where?"