Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.