Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?