@thegayfarmerguy: Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I've seen nothing good can come of this, but I'm a white guy so I'll stay.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: If you don't count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet's going pretty well today.
@JD_KC: The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@ThisOneSayz: Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won't find anything!! Cop: It's not that kind of cavity search, ma'am.