Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman