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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
#Caturday
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?