Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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“You’d better run, egg!”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
yeet
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…