[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.