Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???