Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Cake safety first. Always.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.