Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
You Might Also Like
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.