Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.