[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
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I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?