Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.