Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.