[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
😜
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.