Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000