Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
i actually laughed 😩
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Great game to play with friends
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.