[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
You Might Also Like
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
That 👊
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.