Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.