Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.