I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…